


long-term discoveries

by alderations



Series: split-second, long-term [2]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Autistic Hanzo Shimada, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Reunions, Trans Character, Trans Jesse McCree, just...a lot of love, references to transition and dysphoria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-02-05 19:56:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12801192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alderations/pseuds/alderations
Summary: Hanzo has been gone for a month, and Ana's looking through old Overwatch photo albums again. It's not a recipe for success, as far as Jesse goes.But the Shimadas are on their way home, and if anything can help him through this, it's Hanzo.





	long-term discoveries

**Author's Note:**

> this is vaguely a sequel to "split-second decisions" but you don't need to read that to enjoy this!

The dropship was less than an hour away when Hanzo’s phone roused him from a nap.

 

**Mei:**

<<Hey, Hanzo?>>

 

**You:**

<<Hello, Mei. Do you need something?>>

 

**Mei:**

<<Are you and Genji almost here?

Jesse is acting strange. I think he is upset, but I don’t want to pry.>>

 

Hanzo frowned at his phone, which caught Genji’s attention, and he let his brother read over the texts before he responded again.

 

**You:**

<<Forty-five minutes at most. What is he doing?>>

 

There was a long pause, and Hanzo had to fight with himself to keep from demanding answers. Genji bumped him with one shoulder when his hands hovered over the keyboard for too long. “Mei won’t let anything happen to your boyfriend, anija,” he chuckled. Hanzo grunted rather than dignifying him with a response.

 

**Mei:**

<<He is just very quiet. Not responding to anything.

Ana was showing us old Overwatch pictures again, but it’s not his usual nostalgia, you know?.>>

 

**You:**

<<Do you think he will be alright until we get there? I do not want to draw attention to him with our arrival.>>

 

**Mei:**

<<He said hi to me when I sat down, but he is still very… closed in. Not like himself. I will try and distract him until you land.>>

 

Hanzo tapped out a reply and put his phone away, leaning instead on Genji’s shoulder as he let out an anxious sigh. “I miss him.”

 

“I know. You are much calmer around him.” Genji dodged a swipe at his metal arm and chuckled to himself. “By the time I joined Blackwatch, McCree was… a functional young man, you could say. But I get the impression that his first few years were very difficult.”

 

“And being reminded of that hurts him somehow?”

 

A stretch of silence, while Hanzo blew his bangs out of his face only to watch them float back into his eyes again. “I mean, if you saw a picture of yourself at seventeen—”

 

“Point made.” Hanzo held back a chuckle; he would absolutely lose his mind. As a matter of fact, other than the few photos of them that Genji had in his own quarters, Hanzo had done his best to destroy all of the childhood pictures he found in Hanamura. In retrospect, the memory of being brainwashed was too painful and confusing to even glimpse. And Jesse understood, just as he understood nearly everything else. Hanzo opened his mouth to say so to Genji before realizing that his brother was almost certainly sick of hearing him worry about his boyfriend.

 

They flew on without speaking, other than to respond to Lena’s occasional quip over the comms. Despite the mild discomfort of metal plating and vents prodding his cheek, Hanzo left his head on Genji’s shoulder and was nearly asleep by the time they arrived in Gibraltar—feeling, for once, comfortable and even safe in his brother’s company. When they landed, to his surprise, Genji held out an elbow to help Hanzo to his feet and then patted him on the back in a way that was more soft than attacking, all entirely out of character for his brother. Maybe he looked more nervous than he felt, or he just had no idea how to interpret his own emotions.

 

Though both brothers had insisted that Lena keep from announcing their arrival to the whole base, a few agents were still present at the landing pad, milling around moving supplies rather than actively waiting. Lúcio bounced up to chat with Genji while Hana flashed them both a beaming smile, and then Hanzo was left on his own to find his way to the rec room. Before he even turned the nearest corner, he could hear Reinhardt’s roaring laugh and Angela’s bubbly tones floating toward him. It hit him like being trampled by a horse, how badly he wanted to hear Jesse’s voice. Just a gentle chuckle, a soft quip between all the other sounds coming from the rec room, would be enough, but instead there was a gaping silence where he should be, and then—then Hanzo walked into the room, quietly and without ceremony, and his knees nearly gave out with relief at seeing only the back of Jesse’s head.

 

Mei saw Hanzo first, and even though a few other agents greeted him, they were all fully expecting him to make a beeline for his boyfriend. That, of course, is what Hanzo did: past Torbjörn and Brigitte building something suspicious while Ana and Reinhardt looked on with mild concern, and then past Satya and Fareeha playing an unusually civilized round of Smash, until he could walk wide around the sofa and into Jesse’s line of sight before throwing himself onto the middle cushion, where he was firmly squished between Jesse and Mei. He heard Jesse’s soft inhale, before their eyes finally met and the last month of touch-starved isolation melted away.

 

To be fair, Genji was good company and touchy enough, but nothing could compare to Jesse.

 

“You’re home,” he whispered against Hanzo’s lips, when Hanzo could no longer resist the desire to smush their faces together. Gracefully. Elegantly. A bit disgustingly, if Mei’s pointed sigh was anything to go on. “I—I’m—you and Genji must’ve got along, yeah, or else you wouldn’t be back here in one piece?”

 

Hanzo scoffed. “You assume that I would be the one dismembered?”

 

“Not for a second, darlin’,” mumbled Jesse. His eyes were downcast, almost damp, though he seemed more disoriented than sad. As Hanzo fought the swelling warmth in his chest, Jesse clutched him close and nuzzled his face into Hanzo’s neck, as if he could block out the rest of the crowded room just by overwhelming himself with Hanzo’s skin.

 

On his other side, Mei stood and got Hanzo’s attention, miming sips from a teacup with her hands. At Hanzo’s grateful nod, she flashed a toothy grin and a thumbs-up before running off to the adjoined kitchen to turn on the kettle. For a moment, Hanzo felt as if they were alone, just his aching body and Jesse’s trembling arms wrapped around him, but then Reinhardt laughed again and their solitude was shattered.

 

“I love you, Jesse,” he said with a kiss to Jesse’s forehead. “So much. I missed you at every moment in Hanamura.”

 

As Mei reappeared in the kitchen door, gesturing for Hanzo to come along, Jesse shifted and pulled back so that they could make eye contact again. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t come with you, Han.”

 

“Not your fault. And not your mission, either.”

 

Jesse shook his head. “Still, I hate leavin’ your side for so long, even if I trust Genji to keep you from doin’ anything too stupid.” He seemed startled when Hanzo climbed off the sofa and hauled him to his feet, but Jesse trailed after him and into the kitchen without complaint.

 

Mei was in the middle of rifling through the tea cabinet, looking for Hanzo’s sencha and the chocolate-caramel blend that Jesse loved when he needed something sweet. She shared warm smiles with them both when Hanzo pulled out a chair for Jesse and then stretched his stiff arms behind his head. “Long ride?” she asked.

 

“It felt unusually so. Of course, I was probably just anticipating my reunion with my dearest friends.” Steam wafted into the air from the teacups as Mei poured hot water into them and shook her head at Hanzo. “Are you laughing at me? You know how much your company delights me, Miss Zhou!”

 

“Oh, I’m sure I  _ delight  _ you,” she chuckled, “but we all know you were just too excited to get back to your man.”

 

The aforementioned man looked ready to drift off in his seat. Hanzo just shook his head at Mei’s teasing and sat down in the chair nearest to Jesse, just close enough to reach out with one hand and comb through Jesse’s sideburns with his fingers. Jesse leaned into Hanzo’s hand and whimpered, softly enough that Hanzo felt his heart shatter. “What happened, Jess?” he murmured, keeping his voice low and private.

 

Jesse just shook his head. Well, then, Hanzo would have to wait, at least until they were alone—and he fully intended to have plenty of time alone with Jesse, now that they were together again.

 

“In all seriousness, it is wonderful to have you back on base, Hanzo.” Mei smiled gently at him as she set the two mugs of tea down on the table, before going back for her own. “I will let you two be alone now.”

 

“Thank you very much, Mei.”

 

She winked, sassy as ever, and left the kitchen in uncomfortable silence. Jesse was still practically rubbing his face against Hanzo’s hand, but he didn’t seem keen on talking. After looking out into the rec room to ensure that no one would peek in and bother them, Hanzo scooted his chair closer to Jesse’s so that their knees could interlock, and brought his other hand up to stroke the side of Jesse’s neck.

 

“‘M sorry,” Jesse said, frowning down into his lap. “I was so excited to see you again, and then—then you get here, and I’m like this.”

 

“Oh, hush.” Another series of awkward shuffles with his chair, and Hanzo pulled Jesse toward him so that they could lean their heads against one another and share the same air. That always seemed to soothe Jesse, somehow.

 

It took five minutes or so for Jesse to speak up again, but when he did, his voice was weaker, wobbling with uncertainty. “Hanzo, you… you’re okay with my body, right?”

 

“I love every centimeter of it.”

 

Jesse sighed deep in his chest. Then he lapsed into silence again, until Hanzo noticed that his eyes had welled over with tears, which got caught on Hanzo’s sleeves and matted in Jesse’s beard.

 

“Why are you crying, beloved?” His words sounded cheesy to his own ears, but the devotion glowing in Jesse’s eyes when he pulled back made up for it. 

 

Jesse turned his head to kiss the heel of Hanzo’s hand. “Fuck, sweetheart, I’m sorry. It—it was—Ana…”

 

“Mei told me that she was going through old albums again?”

 

“Mhm.” Hanzo pressed his hand to Jesse’s temple, his forehead, his cheek, just to feel the skin-on-skin he needed so badly. “Like, me joining Blackwatch old. Seventeen. Seventeen fuckin’ years.” He bit back a sob. “It’s terrifying, y’know? I don’t even know who I really was until I was twenty-three or so. And back then… I’d just started hormones, pre-surgery and all that, and I never think it’s gonna get me now ‘cause it’s been two whole  _ decades, _ but then I see pictures and it feels like everything has been… fake.”

 

Unfortunately, Hanzo understands more than he expected. “I feel the same about my young self. It is disorienting.”

 

Jesse nodded fervently while Hanzo continued to stroke his hands through his beard and his hair. “It’s so hard to remind myself that I am who I am now. Rememberin’ that I used to feel like that, an’ look like that, I feel like I’ve never really been myself.”

 

“I know,” whispered Hanzo. He did know—too well, too painfully. The cut-off hair, the facial piercings, the clothing that finally appealed more to comfort than tradition; all of it went to show just how much effort he’d put into becoming someone else, even though he rarely recognized who that  _ someone  _ was. “I am not sure if it helps at all, Jesse, but you are impeccably beautiful to me. Your body, your face, and certainly who—who you are and who you have become. You spent those years fighting to better yourself, my love, and it shows.”

 

At this point, Jesse was crying openly, and Hanzo fought to keep his voice soft as he held Jesse’s head against his chest and cooed meaningless words of comfort into his boyfriend’s ear. “I-I-I d-didn’t mean to lose m-my cool on ya, Han,” sobbed Jesse, “I just—I just needed you here, and now it’s hittin’ me really f-fuckin’ hard, I’m s-sorry—”

 

“Do not apologize.” Hanzo pressed sharp kisses across Jesse’s hairline, before finally tilting his head up so their mouths could meet. “I love you  _ so  _ much, and all I want is to care for you.”

 

Even though they were both precariously close to falling out of their chairs, Hanzo kept Jesse in his arms and close to his body as they sipped their tea and slowly eased back into playful conversation. While Jesse perked up and reverted to his usual flirty self, Hanzo couldn’t stop thinking about two months ago—a failed mission, the one where he’d picked up Genji’s sword and, subsequently, suffered a panic attack. And Jesse had taken care of him. He hadn’t been able to speak, or breathe, or look Jesse in the eye, and yet, Jesse had calmed him down and held him through the worst of it, just like this moment. They helped each other,  _ understood  _ each other, in a way that Hanzo never thought himself worthy of living.

 

Yet here he was, cuddled up to Jesse on flimsy kitchen chairs, swapping the flavors of their tea between each other’s mouths as the space between their kisses grew shorter and shorter. Here he was, entirely in love.

**Author's Note:**

> OK THIS!!! ACTUALLY FELT GOOD! TO WRITE!!! this is unusual for me, okay. and it just made me feel really good to write some ultra-sappy, ultra-fluffy goodness. love these boys. also am i projecting my own dysphoria? Yes!!! Yes I am.
> 
> i LOVE all your comments and feedback so much, so please feel free to let me know what you think! it makes my day! i hope you enjoyed it and i'd love to hear any ideas for revisions and future fics!
> 
> thank u for reading <3 come chat w/me on tumblr [@genderfluidjessemccree!](genderfluidjessemccree.tumblr.com)


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